So we’ve been in a small sermon series these recent weeks called the Christian Home. And we’ve seen what the Christian life looks like, how the gospel fuels and fills out the Christian life. We’ve also seen what marriage looks like, and how the gospel forms the pattern in marriage, as husband and wife live out their roles in their life together. Today we’ll see more as we move out of Ephesians 5 and into Ephesians 6 and focus on children and on parenting.
Two headings today to work through. See first…
For Children (v1-3)
In regard to what children are called to, there are responsibilities and there’s a reward to see.
The Responsibilities: Obedience & Honor (v1-2a)
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother…”
Kids, what does God expect from you? It’s clear isn’t it? God expects you to obey and honor your parents. Parents, what does God require of your children? God requires your children to obey and honor you. Let’s start with obedience. This is a good word. Some think it’s a bad word, as if it had more to do with dog training than it has to do with us. But it’s a good word. To obey simply means to do what your parents ask you to.
But it’s more than that, right? To obey is not just doing what your parents ask you, true obedience involves listening to your parents so you know what to do and how to do it. How many times has a child heard a command, gone to do it, to then return to ask ‘How do I do this?’ which the parent responds, ‘I just told you.’ Listening is important. To listen is to look your parents in the eye to give them your attention and to show you’re hearing them.
Let’s add more to this. To obey is not just doing and not just listening, true obedience involves doing what your parents ask with a happy heart. If I ask my children to walk the dog, and they hear me and do what I ask, but they grumble and complain the whole time while they’re doing it, is that what obedience looks like? No. And also, if a child does that, is the parent happy with that kind of obedience? Of course not! I want my children to know that I, as their parent, not only know more about life than they do but that because I know more than they do I will only ask them to do good and wise things. So in my asking and in their listening, their should be a trust between parent and child. Trust that the parent is wise and good and trust that the child will obey happily.
Let’s keep adding more to this. To obey is not just doing, not just listening, and not just doing and listening with a happy heart, true obedience involves doing what your parents ask immediately, rather than just whenever you feel like doing it. Now kids, once your asked to do something, your parent should give you time to obey and actually do what’s been asked of you. But if they’ve given you time to do what they’ve asked and you haven’t done it…and they have to ask you to do this certain thing twice, it means you’ve already disobeyed them once. See then, true obedience happens immediately, not just when you think it should happen. Kids hear me on this one. You might be in the middle of something you love, you might be playing with toys, you might be building Legos, you might be jumping on the trampoline, shooting hoops, playing a video game, or cooking an exquisite dinner in your little cute but fake kitchen for your dolls, and these things might be so important to you that really believe what your parents asked can wait until you’re done. But if your parents ask you to do something, they usually mean now. If they don’t tell you when to do it, you should ask when they want you to do this, but it’s always a good idea to obey immediately.
Let’s add a few more things to this. Notice Paul says in v1 that children are to obey “…in the Lord…” What’s this mean? Well, kids, did you know there is a time you should disobey your parents? WHAT?! It’s real and you should know this. When Paul says “in the Lord” in v1 it means you should disobey your parents if they ever ask you do something wrong or sinful. In other words, if obeying Mom and Dad means you would be disobeying God, you must say no. And perhaps remind your parents that what God says is always best.
One more thing to add to this. Look and see how v1 ends, “…for this is right.” What does that mean kids? Very simple. Obedience to your parents is right. Everyone knows this, deep down. Parents know this, and kids…you know this too. Just the other day Piper, who’s just about to be 3, saw another little boy doing something he shouldn’t be doing and she turned to Holly and said, ‘He needs a spanking Mommy.’
All this to say, obedience to your parents in the Lord is right. What about honoring your parents? We’ve talked about obedience, and I think everything we’ve already mentioned about our attitude in obedience has to do with honoring our parents. So honor your parents by listening to them, honor your parents by having a happy heart, and honor your parents by obeying immediately, this is right. Kids you need to know this, parents you need to know this and teach your kids this.
Those are the responsibilities for children. Now see the…
The Reward: A Full Life (v2b-3)
“…(this is the first commandment with a promise) that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
When Paul said we should honor our parents, he was quoting from the Ten Commandments. Here in v2b-3 he explains more of what this means. The fifth commandment is the first commandment in the list, that has a promise with it. Paul gives us both in these verses. He gave us the command already, “Honor your Father and Mother.” Now he gives us the reward, “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
What does this mean? Well perhaps I should say first that this is not a fool proof guarantee that if you honor and obey your parents in every situation that you’ll have a perfect life. No. As much as we want that to be true, sin exists, the devil is real, and in this fallen world much happens that should not happen, even when children obey their parents. What Paul is saying here is like a Proverb.[1] A general truth that might have some exceptions. So, when he says it will go well with us and that we’ll live long in the land when we honor and obey our parents…it means if we honor and obey our parents we’ll generally won’t get involved with bad friends, bad habits, and bad situations that tend to shorten life.[2] Generally speaking, if you obey your parents you’ll live longer and enjoy a happier life. If you disobey your parents, you’ll likely end up in trouble or worse…because if you disobey your parents long enough and refuse to learn from your mistakes, you’ll be the kind of person who’s always running with the wrong crowd, hanging out in the wrong places, while doing the wrong things. If you live like this eventually other people will experience the mess of your bad life too. Other parents will see it, your teachers will have to deal with it, your neighbors, your future co-workers, bosses, and more.
So kids, question for you. Do you want a full life? A good life? A long life? Honor and obey your parents and you’ll most likely have just that.
We’ve seen what this passage has to say for children, now let’s turn to v4 and see what this passage has to say…
For Parents (v4)
In regard to what parents are called to, of course we have already learned much in what Paul spoke to the kids, right? We’ve learned God expects our children to obey and honor us. Which looks like doing what we say, listening to us, having a good attitude or happy heart, and responding immediately to us. Our kids truly need to know this, but we do too. Indeed we should not just know this, we should expect this from our kids, just as they can expect much from us as well.
What should they expect? See v4, where there’s both negative and positive instruction.
The Negative (v4a)
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger…”
By addressing fathers in this verse Paul is not ignoring mothers, nor is he saying mothers have no role in raising children. I think Paul begins with fathers here in v4 because fathers are not only the heads of their homes, but because it’s fathers who tend to be the ones in the family tempted with exasperating their children. This is what’s in view in the first part of v4. The King James version puts it very bluntly by saying fathers are not to provoke their children to wrath.
What does this look like? It looks like being unreasonable by asking our children to do things beyond their ability or putting so many demands on their shoulders that the only possible result is frustration. Which then we’ll leave our children not only angry but with the feeling that they can never live up to our expectations and that they’re never going to be pleasing to us unless they fulfill all the things we’re asking them to do.
Exasperation also looks like knit picking or a constant fault finding. Where our children truly desire to honor and truly desire to obey us but when they do what we’ve asked, regardless of how well they do, we will exasperate our children if we are over critical, always finding things wrong with how they listen to us. This will also tend to create a heaviness within our children that they’re never going to be good enough for us.
Exasperation can also look like absence. This has in view the parent who might have the best intentions of always being there for their children, always showing up at sporting events, always going to the school play, and always being present…but never seems to come through on any of these promises. In this sense I think exasperation can happen in our children by fire or by ice. By fire I mean the parent who is always and ever nagging, very actively putting down their child, like we’ve already seen. But parents can also exasperate children by ice, by the cold shoulder. This is the absent parent. The parent who might be home but who is never eager to be with your children, and who always seems distant. Our children can be exasperated by both of these postures.
This is the negative instruction for us parents, especially for fathers who are not naturally the nurturing types. We must flee and forsake provoking our children to anger. So, question: in all your living with the Lord, and being led by Him and loved by Him, have you ever felt exasperated by Him? Of course not! He always loves us well, He always leads us well, in all of life He is always faithful and ever near. Remember God our Father is our heavenly pattern for our fathering and mothering.
What then are we to do? That leads us to the positive encouragement in the rest of v4.
The Positive (v4b)
“…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Notice that in this verse we have contained within it what this looks like. We’re to bring them up. See that phrase? The word for the phrase “bring them up” in the original Greek is the same word used back in verse 29 to talk about how the husband nourishes and cherishes his own wife. Which then leads to the question how does the parent nourish their children? Two things: discipline and instruction.
Discipline. Many hear this word and bristle, or shy away from it, as if it were a thing that were entirely bad. But discipline is a good word, and when rightly done from a loving and calm parent discipline can greatly serve the child. Whether discipline looks like spanking, whether discipline looks like timeout, whether discipline looks like taking things away, discipline serves the child by reminding that child that there are limits and lines that they should not cross in life, and that when they cross those lines there will be consequences. Of course, there are many places we could go in the Bible to talk about the good goodness of discipline, from all the verses in Proverbs that speak about how discipline is wise, to the famous passage in Hebrews 12 about how the Lord only disciplines those whom He loves, and many others. All in all, we must hear the call in this that we are actually parents, and though we truly enjoy our children and love spending time with them, we are not just buddies with them. The parent that lovingly and calmly disciplines their children is loving their children by doing so. And the parent that refuses to discipline their child is not serving their child’s best interest, rather they’re serving their own comfort. Parents, God expects us to discipline our kids. This is not something that we can just interpret away as if only harsh and cruel parents put this into practice. Loving and calm discipline is a healthy part of all healthy families.
Instruction. What is this? That we are to be the ones who instruct our children means we are the ones called by God to teach our children. Yes, there will be many who teach our kids, but we are to see ourselves as the main teachers of our children, and we must not outsource this to someone else. Parenting then, does not have moments of discipleship, Parenting is not like discipleship, parenting is discipleship. It is life on life, 24/7 discipleship, for we are ever seeking, in everything we do, to teach our children about the Lord and about the life He calls us to live. In this I think we see the goal of parenting is not to raise our children to be productive members of society, only. That’s a good desire and a good goal. The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise a child, nurture a life, give your life away for this little individual, so that they grow up to glorify God.
Conclusion:
Lastly, I’d like to point out the obvious. Ephesians 6 comes after…what? Ephesians 1-5. Did you know that? You might think that’s silly, but hear me out. We would all say that being a good parent and growing in this is a top priority. After growing closer to Christ and growing closer to spouse, every parent should then desire to be a better parent. God, spouse, children, church…that’s a good order of the top priorities for the Christian home. So, if that’s true, why did Paul wait 5 whole chapters before speaking about parenting in his letter to the Ephesians? He did this because we need to know a few things first. What things? Things about God. Listen to Ephesians 1:1-6, “Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, to the saints who are in Ephesus, and are faithful in Christ Jesus: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for adoption to Himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved.” After these opening verses we have tons and tons more rich language about who God is, what He’s done, and who we are in Him.
Now, notice that this means something massive. Before we’re to see ourselves as mother and father (that’s chapter 6) we’re to learn of and see God as Father (chapter 1). This is something we need to know because when we become parents ourselves we tend to become our parents. For better or worse our own parenting tends to mirror how our parents parented us. This might encourage some of you who’ve had wonderful parents, but it might terrify others of you who’ve had horrible parents. But regardless, even if we’ve had the best parents in the world, all parents are fallen sinners, all parents mess up, and all parents will hurt their kids in some way or another.
Yet, Paul encourages us so much here as he begins his letter he reminds us that God is our Father. So, the biggest thing we must learn today about being a godly parent is that none of us have to fear becoming our parents, for we have a heavenly Father to guide us. And in Christ He has loved us well. So well, that He has forever changed us, and now we give out gospel love to all, especially our children.
[1] Bryan Chapell, Ephesians – Reformed Expository Commentary (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2009) 313.
[2] R. Kent Hughes, Ephesians: The Mystery of the Body of Christ – Preaching the Word Commentary (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 1990) 197.
