When it comes to sermons on marriage. like last week and today, I often find myself wondering if people come to church with certain expectations. Expectations that will by and large determine how useful you think these sermons are. What do I mean? Many of you know or have heard of the famous book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus right? Ok, good. Anyone know what the subtitle to that book is? Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide to Getting What You Want in Your Relationships. That subtitle says it all doesn’t it? It seems the goal is simply knowing what to do so that you get what you want out of your marriage. Few Christians would admit it, but I think this is exactly what so many of us are after when it comes to teaching on marriage. Practical advice for getting what we want, as if, getting what we wanted was the end-all-be-all of a good marriage.
May I suggest a better way?
Expectations matter, certainly. And knowing what husband and wife desire to get out of marriage also matters, truly. But before we ever begin discussing those things, we must begin with God. Nothing in the Christian life begins with us, marriage included. We must begin with Him, with what He wants out of our marriages rather than what we want. So, as we did last week we’ll do again today, seek to define marriage and the roles of husband and wife from God’s perspective…so that we can further conform our lives to God’s pattern and design.
And for today, one big idea stands out: the more you know the gospel, the better your marriage will be. To show you this, I want to highlight four words from the passage, I want to explain them, and apply them.
Word 1: Sacrifice (v25)
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…”
Anyone who’s been married longer than three minutes realizes there’s hard work to be done in marriage. The hard work of a loving wife, as we’ve seen already in the verses leading up to this, is a glad hearted submission. So as the Church submits to her Head, to Christ, so too the wife submits, not to all men or to all husbands, but to her husband. Our passage today, beginning in v25, displays the hard work of a loving husband, sacrificial love. Think about these two words, sacrificial love. Sacrificial. I think what’s often understood by this word is a kind of stoic and unmoved wherewithal that is firm in the face of anything. Like a soldier heading into battle. There is true sacrifice in view in such an action, but notice that sacrifice alone doesn’t get at what’s in view here. It’s not just sacrificial, it’s sacrificial love. Love is also in view. And that love is in view means affection, emotion, soul-stirring desire is in view. So, if the husband is to just be sacrificial the man will be far too stoic. And if the husband is to just be loving the man will be far too sentimental. Put them together and you have a wonderful reality to behold: sacrificial love.
This is not just vague or ambiguous, no, it’s clearly defined. The kind of sacrificial love a husband is called to is a gospel love. See it in v25, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” The pattern is painfully difficult to miss. The sacrificial love of Christ in giving Himself up for the church is the pattern of how the husband loves his wife. Question: how did Christ give Himself up for the Church? Answer: through His death. Through His sin-bearing, wrath-absorbing work on the cross. This shows His great love for His Church. So what v25 is doing is teaching us that sacrificial love is not just what the love of Christ looks like at the cross, this is what the love of husbands is to look like in daily life. It’s to be an unending, never ceasing, ever present posture a husband is to have toward his wife. That the cross defines a husband’s love for his wife means he must have a willingness to give anything, pay any cost, bear any and every burden for the joy of his wife. This is how a husband loves his wife.
A word to husbands. Sacrificial love is a costly love. So, has your love for your wife been costly to you? Or do you get whatever you want? Do you give up anything for your wife? Or do you do whatever you want? What would your wives say men? Do they feel loved like this? Or do they feel there are costs you would be unwilling to pay for them? Do they know your love as sacrificial, or do they walk on egg shells around you because they know your love has a limit? Men, we can get real practical here. Do you drive a nicer car than your wife? Do you wear nicer clothes than your wife? Is it always you sitting on the couch while she’s cleaning up? Is it always you sleeping while she wakes up with the kids? Is it always you who gets to have a guys night and her who stays home? Is it always you who has the final say what to watch or where to eat? Is it you who is always right in conversation or arguments? Men, since Christ dying for the Church is our pattern for loving our wives, our husbanding must be characterized by costly sacrifice in all we do. Men, if we’re to love our wives we must get this deep in us and put it into practice. We must be the first ones to sacrifice in our marriages.
A word to wives. This kind of love from your husband calls for a large measure of humility in you. Meaning, you must live with your husband in such a way as to make room for his sacrifices. If you won’t allow him to serve you in these ways, if you’re always the one who feels the need to be serving him, if you’re unwilling to let your husband be this sacrificial toward you, you are too proud. Humility does involve serving others, amen. But humility in a wife also shows itself in a willingness to allow your husband to serve you by placing all of your needs above his own. As the Church enjoys making much of the sacrifice of Christ for us, so too every wife should live under the enjoyment of her husband’s sacrificial love for her.
Do you now see some of why I said earlier, the more you know the gospel, the better your marriage will be? It’s the gospel, it’s Christ dying on the cross, that leads a husband to love his wife rightly. And it’s the gospel, it’s Christ dying on the cross, that leads a wife to be so served by her husband. That’s the first word today, sacrifice.
Word 2: Sanctify (v26-27)
“…that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”
If v25 had the cross of Christ in view and His dying for us in our place as our substitute, now v26-27 continues to expand on this further by going beyond the work of the cross to the work of sanctification. Sanctification is a big word, yes, but it’s a good word. One we should know and love. For in it is God’s pledge to nurture and develop us from fledgling to flourishing. When Christ sanctifies us He renews the image of God in us, He enables us more and more to die to our sins, and live to righteousness. In other words, in sanctification He matures us and grows us up in faith.
This is what’s in view here in v26-27 in our second word, sanctify. See what Jesus does to His Church to sanctify us. He cleanses us with the washing of water with the Word. What is this? Well, it’s God’s work of washing us and His work of cleansing us, but it’s not just this alone. It’s washing and cleansing us with the water of Word. This image is clear. As we are exposed to Scripture, steeped in Scripture, meditating on, reading in, and lingering over Scripture, God uses His Word in us to cleanse us, to make us new, to purify us, and to grow us in Him.
But why does He do this? These verses tell us, “…that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” So Jesus sanctifies us so that we would be a pure bride for Himself. Once we were stained in our many sins, but He loved us, He saved us, and He began His good work in us that will one day result in us being spotless, holy, without blemish, pure. And we can take great hope in this because Christ won’t fail in this work. You might feel like you’re the dirtiest, the messiest, the most problematic, unworthy believer in all of history, yet, God’s grace is never in vain, He always finishes the work He begins. Every Christian will slowly but surely grow healthier, sturdier, stronger in life, and perfect in the end.
And remember, this is all about marriage. And remember, Christ Himself, His Person and His Work is the pattern for a husband’s life with his wife. So, another word to you husbands. Have your wives become more like Christ because of being married to you? Have your wives grown in godliness because of being married to us? Have your wives grown in their knowledge of God, love for God, worship of God, and joy in God because of being married to you? Or have they diminished spiritually because of you? What a responsibility is in view here for us husbands. As Christ washes us His Church with the waters of His Word to sanctify us, so too we must do the same with our wives. Wash them in Scripture, steep them in Scripture, meditate, read, and linger over Scripture with them so that they’ll know and enjoy the Lord more, and grow in Him.
Now another word to you wives. This is the expectation for your husband. So, you should expect your husband to be doing this. And if your husband is doing this, praise God! Encourage him to keep on leading you and loving you well. But if he’s not doing this, or if he’s inconsistent in doing this, I’d encourage you to not only pray that God would move him to begin doing it, but to ask your husband to begin leading you like this. However long this takes, I’d also encourage you to begin steeping and washing yourself in the Word and not wait for him to start.
Do you now see more of why I said earlier, the more you know the gospel, the better your marriage will be? We’ve seen how the gospel that saves us and shows us much of the pattern in marriage, but now we’ve also seen how it is how the gospel sanctifies us which gives us more of the pattern for marriage. That’s the second word today, sanctify.
Word 3: Self (v28-31)
“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of His body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
In all this gospel centered content about marriage and the roles of husbands and wives, do you find it surprising that Paul, in v28, seemingly makes an abrupt change to speak about the love of self? We often don’t think it a virtue to love oneself and or to think of the love of self very often, but lest we think Paul has lost his mind, he does anchor the love of self in the gospel, as he has this whole passage. So let’s see what he’s up to here in v28-30.
He begins with an honest thought. That husbands, like all people, love themselves. So Paul says husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies and adds that he who loves his wife loves himself. Why does he say this? Because he’s preparing to drive the gospel into this reality in v29-30 which says, “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of His body.” So the honest thought that no one ever hates their own bodies, but nourish and cherish our bodies, leads to the Christ connection, that this is what Christ does for the Church. He nourishes and cherishes the Church, because the Church is of His body. How does He nourish and cherish the church? By providing and caring for its every need. This then leads him to go back in v31 and quote Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
So see the meaning here. Just as Christ nourishes and cherishes His body the Church, so too must the husband nourish and cherish his own wife, who because of their one flesh union, has become as near and dear to him as his own body.
So husbands, the call here is to nourish and cherish your wife, for she is one flesh with you. You likely have not had much trouble loving yourself, so Paul would encourage you to realize that your self now includes your wife, so you ought to love her as well by nourishing and cherishing her. How do you do that? By caring for her every need, as Christ does to His body, the Church. And husbands do this by leaving and cleaving as Gen. 2:24 calls for. This does not mean you leave your parents behind, you’re still to honor them as a son, but this does mean that your wife is now closer to you than your very mother and father. So question. Husbands, do you love your wife as you love yourself? Or do you just like the loving yourself part here? And does your wife feel nourished and cherished by you in your life together? Or does she feel degraded or devalued by you? Christ never abuses, mistreats, manipulates, or neglects His Church, He ever loves her for she is His very body. So too Husbands ought to never abuse, mistreat, manipulate, or neglect their wives, she is to be loved, nourished, and cherished, for she is one flesh with you.
Once again we’ve seen how Christ Himself, and His love and care for His Church is the pattern for the husband. So I repeat it: the more you know the gospel, the better your marriage will be. The gospel saves, the gospel sanctifies, and the gospel changes our view of self. That’s the third word today, self.
Word 4: Mystery (v32-33)
How fitting to end it like this in v32-33, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Marriage is indeed a profound mystery. To be enjoyed, to be treasured, and to be prized. As the Church ever lives in innumerable blessings of Christ. So too, every wife is to ever live in innumerable blessings of her husband. Mystery indeed!
Conclusion:
I know I have not covered all there is to cover on marriage and the roles of husband and wife. There remains much application to be teased out and much discussion for small groups this week. But I do pray one thing has been clear. The more you know and love the gospel, the better marriage will be. This is what we need to know most. That the Lord Jesus is steadfast and faithful and sure and ever strong in His love for His Church. May this be reflected in our marriages, more and more.
